made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I pour the whiskey from now on
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
