So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
