Betty ford says i'm here all night
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
