I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
