I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
