If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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