Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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