Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
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