Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We don't watch enough power rangers
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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