i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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