The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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