After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Randomize
