nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
