More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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