My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
