My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
