i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
