I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
