i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
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Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
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When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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