You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
