He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
