Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
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