I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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