Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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