chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
what day is it and did you see me today?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
