my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
