Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Ladies don't puke and tell
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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