the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
