I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
