Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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