I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
