May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my sisters under your porch take her home
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
