I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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