Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
