she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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