I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
