I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
