I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
