my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
