tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
