Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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