Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
