in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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