dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I need to calm my uterus...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
