I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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