My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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