guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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