Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
