Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i just had sex bonerless
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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