If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
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