Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
