I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I did not marry a roomba.
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